Well this week in lack of better words has been shitty. I don’t want to get up because I think well what’s the point right? But obviously I have things to do so I get my ass up, but I don’t enjoy it. I think it’s just a slump. I went through this in the beginning of the semester. I feel like I’m just on autopilot. There is literally nothing to blame for this but my own will to not want to proceed in my daily activities. Many might think I’m sad or mad but no I’m none of those, it’s that time where I legit don’t know what I feel. The only word that can describe my state accurately is “mehh” which in fact I don’t think that’s an actual word.
I’m getting through the days though. I make sure I’m eating due to loss of appetite. I make sure I go to work and get my schoolwork done too. It actually pisses me off that I have no clue when this slump is going to end. I’m pretty optimistic about it ending soon if I just keep trying but not even that is enough motivation. Literally all I’ve wanted to do is play my guitar and stare at a wall for hours. And Genuinely I know I’m okay. My ideas are that I should just be around more people to feed off their energy, and I love my friends I always love hearing from them they’re so positive and supportive of my life decisions, and I have so much to be excited for especially for these upcoming months. Like I’m going to Florida (hopefully) and I have events I’m hosting for my job. But I don’t feel mentally present to be enjoying it.
I sometimes have these instincts of getting away. Not technically running away though. That’s what I did first semester I just kept driving to the beach alone to Norfolk it was really peaceful. Thankfully I have a really great friend that lets me stay at their place when I do decide to go. I remember one time I decided to go home for a day. I wasn’t feeling good mentally and it ended up pouring hail and that was the worst because my eyes were already blurry.
My parents didn’t know I was coming so when I called them saying I was outside they freaked and probably thought what the fuck Ariana. Anyway, I embraced my mom into a hug. That’s all I wanted at the moment and then water works came out. I was just as confused as to why I was crying as they were. Sometimes I feel like I can’t handle being me as an individual but I’m still learning to understand myself. I Just have to remember to be gentle with myself because I’m doing the best I can. I’m keeping my head high and heart strong!
This week I picked a song that I hold really close to my heart. I believe it speaks volumes. Have a listen. Here’s Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms.